Back in December I blogged about my love of growth and always seeking ways to continue growing as a person and on the job, to become a more efficient and productive employee. In April, after the crash of that month, I came up with my work mission statement: my heart's desire is to be a diligent, productive employee, who understands her responsibilities and carries them out within her work boundaries. Easier said than done. So nice to talk about growing, but to actually grow, always seems to come unexpectedly and painfully. Makes sense I suppose, but wow. I really had a romantic, unrealistic view of what this year would feel like. I knew it was going to be busy, I knew it, I knew it. I had my calendar's ready, my to-do's ready, my game plan was set. It looked intense on paper, but I naively thought I would be fine. Besides my "normal" work, there were "special" projects to be done every month of the year. I saw it all as my responsibility, just had my perspective on it all, and thought it was all doable, because somewhere along the way I gained this "superwoman" complex. Was is pride, or was it a defense mechanism?
Community at the Workplace
My heart is broken. I recently finished a book about community for a small group I am a part of, Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them by John Ortberg. Good book. A lot of helpful insight on how we should biblically view each other in order to truly live out the community God called us to. Jesus prayed for us to be one, as He and the Father were one. The problem is us, are we striving to live this out? Again, easier said than done, on our part that is, not the Lord's prayer for us. :) As you know, I turned 10 years at my job in January, but from then until now, the beloved rollar coaster ride I have been on has been providing all sorts of flashbacks and conclusions to sum up my decade. I have been discouraged, hopeless, and downright sad over all that I've seen in myself. It's like I went along with the ghost of Emily past and Emily present, and am desperate to make changes for Emily future! :) What I didn't see until now though, is the type of work community I "grew up" in and how it contributed to my behaviors too. It's easy for me to take personal blame, but not so easy to see others' roles in my formation.
I was 21 when I came on staff, and extremely naive in a lot of ways still. Part of my weaknesses though were withdrawing in the face of adversity and not having found my voice. Problem #1: If there was a strong, direct personality on staff, you BET I wouldn't be knocking on their door for help, for fear of being rejected. "I'll just figure it out myself." Problem #2: If we were in staff meetings discussing a church-wide project, and if for any reason the Spanish language or people was related to it, it would automatically become MY project, not church-wide or staff-wide anymore. "Fine, I can handle it, I'm the admin for the Spanish world after all." So, the more these people or scenarios took place, the more isolated I became. On the occassion I would crash and ask for help, it was clearly communicated that it was my "world"...what I heard was it was my burden and responsibility to figure out. We were ALL just worried about our "worlds" though and because I knew everyone else was just as burdened, after a while I stopped saying anything and just focused on getting the job done, whatever that took...nights, weekends, no problem, my young, naive passion would kick in and I'd press on. As the years went by, the stronger these habits became. We were all living a community of one. My heart weeps looking back now. All of our defense mechanisms were in full swing - mine was I can handle it and don't ask for help, it's my "world" afer all.
I don't want to live like this anymore though...and being pushed way past my limits so far this year forced me to yell out, to discover my work voice in a sense. In a recent project, I got to the point I knew I couldn't handle it on my own so I asked for help. My two weaknesses happened, but the difference was I didn't give in or give up when they happened. I begged for a team, because I couldn't do it alone and didn't WANT to do it alone. I wouldn't have persisted before, I would have figured out a way to do it. The thing is, I have changed and don't WANT to pay the high price of working alone anymore. It has extreme consequences and in the long run no one benefits of such attitudes. I was heard, a meeting was planned, the team was formed, and the burden was lifted. My last words to all were "please, let's be a team, let's all communicate the same thing and have each other's back." I wasn't trying to be spiritual because Jesus prayed for us to be one, I was yelling out because of being way past my limits. I NEEDED them!
With reading this book though, my heart now cries over my past experiences, and with all my strength want to do my part for community to take place on the job in the present and future. See, because I was in defense mode too, I wasn't doing my part in the workplace community either. That was their world, not mine. We're a different staff now, with different personalities and responsibilities. We all have our weirdnesses, but love should prevail, if we are to be a testimony of God being in us. :) As long as we don't build walls to seperate us, I pray the next 10 years on staff (if I'm meant to be there) look different and feel different. We get together every Monday morning to pray, and I always pray we love each other and act as one...easier said than done. I want to do my part.
I have found my voice and don't want to withdraw because of fear anymore. I have found my voice and want to use it for the sake of the small AND big pictures, to fulfill my part of the team. There are many other things I've learned about myself this month, and will blog later about them (to-do lists, multitasking, details, etc). The books I mentioned before are also on their way and I still look forward to diving into them and continuing to learn tips on how to work smarter within healthy boundaries. I'll blog about them as well. But for now, it's suffice to say these five months were NOT fun, but they gave me my voice. They were NOT fun, but it was worth it to confront all the areas I need to change within and without myself. I truly feel like the rollar coaster has finally come to an end, and I do NOT want to ride it again so am walking away from it, faaaar away from it, as far away as Branson is from Kansas City. :) Hey, don't judge, my green pastures and still waters were here, and my soul has been restored. I look forward to driving back home tomorrow, turning 32 on Monday, and hitting work on Tuesday with renewed strength. I have high hopes that the last half of this year will be kinder to me, yes?? Surely I've taken all I can take for now, right? No importa. God is good, and whatever it takes to show me what I need to learn is welcomed. :)
Good night friends. Til next week, with a lighter heart I hope. :)
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